As I sit and drink some tea, I am recalling where I was last year, where I am now, and how I got here. There’s a warm bubbling feeling I have thinking back (and it isn’t just from the tea!) It’s a profound joy, deep contentment, and a reverence for God in His merciful healing of my life over the last year.  I haven’t shared this with many people, but for the past few years I’ve battled depression. I won’t go deep into how it started, but a couple years ago a few overwhelming events happened that triggered a spiral of confusion, feelings of loss, devastation, which ultimately led to a daily struggle of suffering emotionally, either by heightened negative feelings, or by having no sense of emotions at all. Getting out of bed was harder than running the laps I used to hate in high school. Trying to do the smallest task was like entering a mental war zone… The list goes on. It affected every area of my life. Waves of feeling tired, sad, overwhelmed, and stressed repeated. Some days were better than others, but a cloud of every negative thing hung above me constantly. As a Christian, this was disturbing to me. I didn’t know what to think because I always believed with the Holy Spirit came healing, guidance, and the fruit of the spirit--including joy and peace--if we continue to seek God and trust Him in our daily life. It made me question if I was really a Christian.  I went through many stages of deep searching in God’s word, praying constantly, and fasting. I did everything I was taught to do but yet those bad days still came. After a long wrestling period I came to see that depression and other mental struggles as a whole aren’t always cured instantly by God if we ask, the same way cancer or other physical diseases aren’t always cured instantly. God is sovereign and He is good, but He doesn’t operate on the same level as us. His ways are higher, and in these hard situations, trusting in Him is all we can do. Understanding that gave me peace to begin healing. 

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Talk to Someone
     My first step was seeing a counselor, and making that call was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Admitting things were not okay, and that I needed help to get better was devastating. After about four weeks of sessions the cloud of confusion cleared and I found hope again. I can’t tell you how glad I am now that I took the plunge. I know for a fact recovery would have been unbelievably harder, (if not impossible) had I not gone.

     After a few months of implementing the tactics I learned from counseling I knew I needed an outlet for regular maintenance. In most things my first go-to person is my husband. Through everything he has been my most valuable aid and coach whenever I need him. He has consciously dedicated time and effort towards helping me create strategies and coping methods. Without him I would never have gotten counseling, because he was the one who sat me down and said "you need to call someone." It was really hard for me to hear, but he provided me a number and held me accountable to call and set up my first appointment. Sometimes the firm assertive advice is exactly what's needed. Now our marriage is incredibly strong. Going to him for advice first and foremost, no matter the topic has brought us closer and allowed him to lead me lovingly by empowering and encouraging me to become self sufficient again. If you're interested in a great free marriage resource that I can say has helped me immensely check out Dale & Veronica Partridge online and you can watch or listen to their weekly podcast!

     However if the time comes (which it is rare for me now) where I need someone else for additional support, I go to a wise Godly older woman for help. Having someone who is able to listen and guide with the power of the Spirit, able to pray for you, and also encourage with grounded knowledge of the Bible is truly an amazing treasure to find. 

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Keep Growing and Learning
     I poured myself into the Word and prayer, and I read a number of books that started to give me a framework to function and that would in time build a healthier life! One book I read that helped immensely was How to be an Imperfectionist by Stephen Guise. In his book he lays out the mental processes so many of us go through that stop us up from doing the things we want to do, and in turn has incredibly valuable and practical steps to overcome them.
 

     Another book is Hinds Feet on High Places By Hannah Hurnard. I read this after I had already covered a bit of ground in recovering. At this point I was much more stable but still had bouts every so often. The book is a literary journey of a girl who is a cripple, but who was promised to be made new by a loving Shepherd who leads her through near unbearable obstacles to reach the high places. He gives her companions, Sorrow and Suffering, who help her overcome the challenges of the terrain, and her own limitations, in pursuit and trust of her Shepard. This helped me when I would be so absorbed in how I was doing, what I wished my life could be, and ultimately self focused that I didn’t see the big picture and the suffering that others endure around the world every day.